6/29/24

I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. I woke up seconds before my alarm, and got up to pee. Yet I layed back down for “five more minutes” and ended up being late. Again. Am I self sabotaging?

Well as I’m getting ready to leave my second stop I was told that our carts had to be picked up today. Even though the driver was planning on not doing so. I had to give him a call and we were able to get him there. While he was loading I was chatting with him and the manager.

Talking about self sabotaging I have a really bad habit of falling for people I know I have no chance with. Well I mean let’s be honest I could fall for anyone and that would be true. I do tend however to fall for people that it’s certain I have no chance.

The manager at my second stop today is my current crush. I actually don’t fall often, but the track record is there. The last crush I had was my boss at my last job. I had known her since we were in high school. We had been working together a couple of years before one day I just realized oh my God I really like her.

One day I saw her reading a paper and reaching one arm above her head to reach something off a high shelf. I had the sudden urge to press her up against the shelf and kiss her. I had never had that urge before with anyone. And I was in my late 20s at this point.

I knew however that she pretty much hated me so that was that. My feelings for her only grew the next couple years. In my own mind I see myself as being extremely obvious. So I wouldn’t doubt it if she knew. Though neither of us ever said anything.

I think I probably come across as just a big idiot to everyone. I can’t blame them, I see myself that way a lot too. I do still have a crush on my former boss. Which has been about 5 years now. But I’m aware that it’s never going to happen. Much like all and any other crushes I’ve ever had.

To eat my feelings I decided to get dairy Queen for lunch. But when I got there they had to refund my order because they were unable to make food. I’m a bit sad. Not necessarily about the food, I mean it would have been nice. About life in general I suppose.

After work I decided to do a little doordash. I dashed for an hour and a half and I made $55. The last dash of the night took me halfway home. The tip was supposed to be 20 bucks which I thought was great but it turned out that there was a hidden tip! It was actually like 26! That made my night it was so great. $26 to deliver food! I hope I’m that well off someday!

I really wanted to keep gashing but it was 7:00 and I needed to get home. I also really need to pee. I’m trying so hard not to pee myself. I think I’m going to have to pull over I’m not going to make it.

When my bladder decides it needs to go, it needs to go. I was successfully able pee into an empty dunkin cup (oh the circle of life) and then dumped it out the window.

Before I got home I stopped at P’s house. He needed help adjusting the incubator. He is trying to hatch some guinea hen chicks for his friend. It is time to take the turner out of the incubator. It’s a tricky procedure take out the eggs and then take out the turner and put the eggs back in and get the cover back on all before they have a significant drop in temperature. We have it pretty down packed.

When I got home I was planning on taking a shower quick, but I realized I forgot to get dinner for the kids (animals). So T and I ran to the store for it. Then I was able to shower, feed the kids, and go to bed. What a day.

Best: $27 tip on my order!

Worst: letting the sad thoughts get to me a little

Good deed: I saw a younger homeless guy sitting in the rain. he seemed very upset. I only had two dollars on me but gave it to him. I told him to have a good day and through tears he said he was trying. I feel really bad for him.

6/24/24

The storm last night got a little chaotic. The power flickered like crazy and kept going out. Z sent me a video of a transformer surging outside his house. He lives right around the corner from me. It was pretty insane.

I got to my first stop on time (for once I know) but the delivery didn’t show up for a bit longer. The order was huge. Even bigger than last weeks! It’s insane. By the time I left I had a migraine starting. I took Excedrin, hit up Starbucks, then headed to my second stop. The weather is super nice today so far. I think I forgot to take my meds.

When I left my second stop I definitely had a minor grade migraine on the rise. Totally forgot my meds this morning. Guess I can’t have it all, on time and meds??

I grabbed a drink from dunks and headed to my third (and last) stop of the day. I was hoping to take both the bunnies out for a walk but it’s looking like it may rain. I’m having a little anxiety that my implant may be coming loose. I texted the dentist early this morning, but haven’t heard back.

The manager at my last stop is back from her vacation. I was talking to her and she must’ve noticed that I’m talking a little weird because she said “what’s wrong with your face?”. Not gonna lie, that hurt.

After work I tried to doordash a little. The orders were shit though. I ended up doing two, making $18 in an hour. The last one took me halfway home so I said screw it. I picked up the bunnies and was going to take them to the park but P wanted to go and can’t walk good.

We ended up going to E’s store. A couple of my friends from Sam’s were there and they played with the bunnies. Then I  took them to PetSmart. We stopped by a park on the way back and I took a picture with them under the tree. I liked it.

We were going to swing by the 333 Dunkin’. When we got there the kid refused to make our order cause he was closing in 90 minutes. Damn, I didn’t know making two medium refreshers was so taxing. Well there $7 I’m never getting back. Which I can say confidently since I still haven’t been refunded the 5/18 fiasco.

We are all pretty tired so we’re heading home. Dropping off P first. Then will watch Bobs Burgers and drift off to sleep. 😴

Best: Taking the bunnies out

Worst: forgetting my meds

6/21/24

I woke up around 1:30am and realized I was biting hard. I think maybe my brain knew there was something in my mouth and that I was asleep. Trying to secure it perhaps so I didn’t choke? My bottom teeth are sore now regardless.

While I was awake something white caught my eye through the gap above my ac. I looked but didn’t see anything so figured perhaps it was just headlights reflecting over the lawn. As I turned to get back into bed I saw it again. I looked closer and saw a large white object moving swiftly over the lawn. Moved like a fox but was large like a bear. But white as a ghost. Surreal. I ran downstairs to make sure the dog was still inside, he was. I wonder what it was.

I was told to be at my club store for 5 because there would be a delivery. The delivery did not show up until 6:30. It was pleasant enough though. I stopped by Starbucks and grabbed breakfast before going to my second stop. I ran into my boss who had stopped by.

I haven’t weighed myself since my three day nap a couple weeks ago. I think I’m losing weight though cause my legs appear thinner. Maybe it’s all the walking.

It’s not as hot out as yesterday, but it’s still pretty hot. 84°f. I had to stop at the gas station to take an emergency bathroom break in between stops 2 and 3. I think my implant might be coming loose, or maybe it’s just my gums getting used to it. Trying not to think about it.

I can’t believe how many people who has perfectly good teeth tell me that they want implants. I guess I can see the appeal from an outside perspective. Good teeth, no maintenance? That’s not exactly the reality though. I’ll start with that. They still require special cleaning, and use of a water pick to make sure food doesn’t get lodged between them and the gums. Not to mention the whole process is incredibly painful and taxing. The biggest thing for me personally is though, they’re not teeth. Sure they look like it, but their not. It’s just something screwed into your skull to resemble them. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than nothing. Though I would much prefer the real thing.

By 2:30 I was headed to my final stop and I remembered that I don’t have to work tomorrow. My boss was able to get me that personal day after all. Sweet!

After work Z and I walked up to the town carnival that is held every year. It’s bittersweet cause I have so many childhood memories of this yearly tradition, but it was A’s favorite event of the year. I miss her, I can’t believe it’s been over a year since her passing.

We.walked around the carnival and then met with T and walked around some more. There wasn’t much to see. afterwards we walked Z home and then I took T to grab a pizza for dinner

Best: going to the carnival with Z & T

Worst: Going into work early for a delivery that turned out to be an hour and a half late.

6/18/24

Wowza, today was eventful. I got woken up at 730am by my boss calling. I was assuming he was calling about yesterday so I debated on not answering. I gave in though and he told me he needed help if I was available. So I ended up going in to help out a coworker with a stop.

Afterwards I grabbed playa bowls and went home. Layed in bed and played my phone games in the ac. It’s 107° out!!! No ac in the car so when I came time for my appointment P picked me up and we went in his truck. Ahhh, working ac.

The dentist had made my teeth a little smaller and put them in. They do feel a little better. Hopefully they work out. We went to dodges ice cream stand afterwards and got ice cream and hot dogs. Eating with them is weird. I miss the feeling of being able to feel the food. On the top anyway. Is that weird?

It’s too hot to want to do anything. So we went home afterwards. I got back into bed and continued my games in the comfortableness of my bed.

I fell asleep and took about a one hour nap. I woke up and knew instantly that something was wrong. I went down to the br and felt nauseous, dizzy, and hot. Sitting on the toilet I began to shake and felt like I was burning up. Like my blood was boiling and rising in my veins. I felt panicked and faintish. It last what felt like forever but in reality was probably merely minutes.

I haven’t had a panic attack that severe in years. I texted P and he is going to take me to the dentist in the morning. I need these teeth out. They are too much for me mentally. I feel like shit. How can I be such a baby?

Best: ice cream with P

Worst: panic

6/17/24

Today is my beautiful kitty daughters 6th birthday. I can’t believe how fast time has flown by. It seems like I just brought her home, a 5 week old baby shark as we called her.

My alarm didn’t go off this morning. I guess I forgot to set it. I was very late. I didn’t get started on my route until almost 8am. That sucked because not only did my club store have their big delivery today, but it was a mega delivery. It’s usually only 7 carts max. There were 18!!!! I nearly shat myself!

It took me almost five hours to get everything done. By the time I left I had a migraine starting. I took some Excedrin and then went to my second stop. I cannot wait to get home.

It took a while for my migraine to let up. By the time I made it to my last stop of the day it was just starting to ease. I grabbed taco bell for lunch. 

I spent the day listening to the Karen Read trial again. The trial is very important to me. I feel like it stands for something. Like how can they let this poor woman get railroaded. What astounds me is that this is what, week eight of the trial? The prosecutor is still presenting his case. And you would think wow 8 weeks they must have had a lot to present, but they haven’t! Instead of presenting their case of what they think happened and what proof they have to support it, they have been just trying to disprove the defenses theory. Who tries a case like that? Especially a high profile murder case! The prosecutor is way over his head and it shows.

Anyway between the migraine (which they have actually been induced by listening to the prosecutor) and everything I dealt with at work today, I’m pretty stressed out and tired.

After work I stopped at Walmart and got a few treats for my cat for her birthday. I can’t wait to get home and see her.

I stop by McDonald’s to get T some food. There’s always this one woman at that location who works the first window. She reminds me a lot of my nana. My nana passed when I was 15. We were very close.

I had a little rubber duck in the car so when I pulled up to the window she recognized me because well, I’m kind of there a lot. I put the rubber duck on the window and she got the biggest smile on her face and said thank you. Making people smile makes me smile. It makes me feel happy to be able to make someone else happy. I think that was just the highlight of my day right there.

When I got home I had a mini party for my cat. I put together a special dinner for the animals and sung her happy birthday while she ate. She really liked it. She devoured it, then ended up finishing her brothers haha. He didn’t seem to mind, he’s a light eater.

I took a shower and then settled into bed. I might have a date next week? I’m not allowing myself to get any feelings about anything. I met a woman online who reached out to me and seems interested. I’m kind of guarded though. Due to past situations. I don’t open up easy.

Best: Little birthday party for my cat

Worst: My late morning

6/13/24

I woke up about three minutes before my alarm. I heard it go off as I was trying to fall back asleep and was like “why is that going off?”. Then I remembered and thought “oh yeah, I have to work today”.

My first stop today is a Walmart. I’m only at this one once a week to cover for a merchie who has this day off. The order looks small and the backstock is less than what it usually is. I was thinking it should be easy enough. Then they asked me to kill a pallet. I guess it has until tomorrow so it’s not really my problem, but I’ll see what I can do.

I stopped by Dunkin on my way in for breakfast. I got a breakfast sandwich and an ice coffee. I should get back on track with my diet. I put it on the back burner when I had my mouth done last week. Cause I needed to eat whatever I could. I wouldn’t say I quit it, I literally just became very limited in what I could eat. So I needed to eat what I could and when I could.

So I was mistaken on the order size. It was twice as large as I had originally thought. I also dumped my coffee out cause I went to use the bathroom, sat it on the sink, and then realized there was a huge human… plop… on the floor. I was too disgusted to drink it after. So on my way to my second stop I grabbed an ice tea from dunks.

I feel fatigued and irritable today. I just want to go home and sleep. I’m hoping my day goes by fast.

By the time I got to my last stop of the day I had a migraine starting. I took some Tylenol but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I try to do at least one good deed a day. Today I’ve done two. At my last stop there was an older woman in a wheelchair. She had a really hard time getting some cartons of milk off the bottom shelf. So I got them for her and while I was getting them for her she dropped her stuff so I picked it up. She reminded me of my nana. I feel bad for people can’t do something and nobody offers to help. Which is why I usually do when I see someone who needs help. I feel like the smallest offer of kindness can really go a long way.

The second good deed was when I was on my way home. I don’t really know that I would call it a good day though to be honest. In was sitting in traffic and the couple in the next car realized that they were in the wrong lane. They were in a left turning lane only and they wanted to go straight. The elderly man in the passenger seat gestured to me and asked nicely if they could cut in front of me. I said of course go ahead. I mean what was I going to say no? I don’t own the road. And God knows I’ve been in that same situation time and time again and I don’t actually ask for permission, I just kind of go for it lol.

When I got home I packaged up a couple things that I sold on eBay and then grabbed some jello for dinner and went to bed. Now I have a little bit to lay in bed and play my game before I have to go to bed.

Best: laying in bed with my fur babies

Worst: migraine

6/12/24

Whelp. Today was a roller coaster. Not a big theme park one granted, more like that caterpillar coaster at the carnival for toddlers.

I woke up to a text from my dentist, my teeth were ready! At least the temp ones that you wear to see what adjustments will need to be made for the finals. They told me to stop in at 1.

I layed in bed relaxing until then and off I went. It was a weird experience to get them put in. They felt a bit big at first. After I left the office they felt weird. I kept gagging and my tounge felt like it was getting stung.

The dentist told me to come back and they’d take them off. Perhaps I was allergic to something used in the making or cleaning. So I went back, and off they went.

A lady has been commenting on my tiktoks for a while asking me to go to her dd. So we went, and I sent her a DM afterwards. She found my sticker and made a tiktok about how excited she was to find it. It felt nice.

I also matched while a woman on Badoo. I have trust issues though. Like I just can’t allow myself to open up to the possibility of liking someone and getting hurt. I have PTSD from my last situation which I’m not ready to talk about yet. Anyway. She asked for my snap. I accepted and she had been messaging me but I’m distant and closed off. For the reasons just stated.

Best: seeing myself with nice teeth for the first time in… well, ever in my life.

Worst: Having to get the teeth removed only about 30 minutes later. 😢

Gigi & Nate – movie thoughts

I saw a clip on tiktok of a movie I thought looked interesting. In the clip, a disabled boy and his mom were in a grocery store. The boy was accompanied by a service animal, a small monkey. A woman got mad and confronted the family about the animal. Later it showed the same angry woman protesting the service animal outside the family home.

I instantly ran to the comments to see if anyone had offered the name of the movie. Thankfully someone had done just that. The clip was from “Gigi & Nate”. The commenter also provided the info that it’s streaming on Hulu.

One of the first things that caught my eye in the movie was the father. He looked so familiar. I racked my brain for the whole opening thirty minutes. I was certain it was Jim Belushi, but it couldn’t be. He’s dead. Isn’t he? I was absolutely certain that he was. So I googled the movie and, HE LIVES!

About halfway through the movie I realized that the monkey might just be CGI in some scenes. It’s amazing how flawless it is! Im pretty sure this wasn’t a big production, but you wouldn’t be able to tell.

So rarely am I drawn into a movie and moved to emotion. I actually felt invested in the stakes and outcomes of the story. I was glued to the screen and couldn’t look away.

When the end of the movie came, it was a real ‘feel good’ ending. It made me smile, and I felt satisfied with the outcome. That’s also when I learned that this is a true story.

The acting is amazing, the special effects are incredible, the editing, score, and overall quality is just superb. As someone who struggles with ADHD, I find it hard to focus on things such as movies. Even in the theater, I’ll need a trip to the bathroom for a break. Though this movie, which is long at 2 hours, commanded my attention every second.

Im not great at reviewing things. Which is why I opted to make this my thoughts, not a review. Though if I were to give it a rating I would go 5/5 stars!